The Change- God gives and takes away

Guest blogger: Lydia Joy
My 3rd born!!!

I went to visit the Baby Centre this past weekend for the last time before we return to the states for furlough. After my baby Ruth died, visiting the Baby Centre has always been hard for me.
I see her picture on the mantel of the Baby Center. It gets tears in my eyes. I always want that to be a lie. That when I go in the room she will be there. That I will grab her and hug her. Then she will play with me and I can just be with her, but that's just a dream. I will never see her until I go home (Heaven).  Sometimes I just want to go right now with her. I want to see her adorable, cute face just one more time. 

Ruthie enjoying some uji at the Baby Centre
(Uji is ground millet, sweetened and used as a breakfast cereal) 

    Seeing her picture or talking about her brings me back to that day in the hospital when she was laying in the ICU. She couldn't move or even do anything. I cried out to The Lord to heal her body and to make her normal again. One morning she started squeezing Hannah's finger and I thought that she was getting better. Soon she was to have surgery on her intestines. At about 2:00 she had it. 

Her sweet smile with her two little bottom teeth makes my heart ache
and I wish I could hold her again

Aunt Carol asked me to pray. I started to, but then I began to cry. I thought to myself why? Why would I pray for Ruthie when God is not doing anything for her, but I said to God that I would do anything for her to get better. I even said that I would die for her. Everyday after the surgery I  just prayed and cried.  Ever moment of the day I was free I would go and visit her. My mom and Hannah switched places in the ICU day in and out, spending the night sleeping with their heads down at the foot of her bed. I was still in school so I had to go to class, but I was distracted. I didn't really pay attention to the teachers. All I ever wanted was to be with Ruth, and to be there when she woke up. When I was there in the ICU some nurses came up to me and said that she would be ok. I was like how could you say that. She is half dead, but then  I heard God say " I love you Lydia I am watching over you and Ruthie." On that same day Agneta come over to Ruth's side. She prayed for her. She said something to me that just touched my heart. She said "God has a plan for her It is God's will if she wakes up, or if He takes her Home." I wanted her to wake up, but that was what I wanted; maybe God had a different plan. When I was laying in my bed about 12:00 midnight I thought to myself that God might be punishing me. It was me he was teaching me an example to. He was getting me ready for the future. My mom and dad and Hannah helped me through this heartbreak. If God wasn't there by my side I would have never got through this alone. He talked to me every step of the way.

This is a picture of Ruthie in the ICU
Even though she looks lifeless and it hurts my heart to see her this way
I still think she is beyond cute even with all that medical stuff on her.

Then I fell into a big canyon and was stuck with no way out. Ruthie started coding. My heart nearly fell to my feet. God helped me walk every step that very moment because I knew right then, God was taking her home. The nurses rushed over and tried to make her come back. Thankfully they got her to start to breath again and her heart starting beating again. Praise God, but  I began stepping on sharp rocks and thorns in that canyon. I fell and stumbled every step of the way, but God picked me up. God was gentle when He spoke to me. He didn't say, "Lydia you are taking this too serious and you are worrying too much." Instead he softly said, "Lydia I'm here for you always just call on me and I will be there for you." 

Later on, I sat at the table playing with my food. My dad was there and I asked him, "Dad, why does God take away the ones we love?" He paused for a while and said it is God's plan to give and take away. I still didn't believe that he should take ones we love and care about. That reminded me of a song " He Gives and Takes Away." It still didn't make sense. I hated death. It is terrible. I wanted to scream to God and yell at him for doing this to me and my family and everyone who knew Ruth, but then I stopped and prayed and asked to go and see Ruth. Hannah took me up. I held Ruthie's hand and cried. "WHY? WHY?" I said. God cannot do this. I love her. I felt like I was being ambushed with sharp knives and spears. I was going into a dark cave with scraps and tears rolling down my eyes. I asked God if this was a good idea to enter into the dark cave. He said "Trust Me" and so I did and I stepped into that cave. That changed my life.
    I was in class and Hannah came to get me for some reason. I went and Hannah said that they might take Ruth off the breathing machine that kept Ruthie alive. We went into the ICU hand in hand. And mom said it was time for her to go home, to heaven. I screamed and said NO! You can't take her away! I burst out in tears. I hugged my sweet, adorable, loving, little Ruthie. I wanted to stop Aunt Carol from doing it. Hannah took me outside the ICU with my dad and I cried the hardest I ever have in my whole life. I didn't feel God's love. I didn't feel like He loved me or Ruth. I was so angry and devastated. When we went home I ran to my room and slammed the door. I put my head in my pillow and cried and cried. I wanted to stay in my room for ever. My sweet mom came in and I hugged her tight. When my mom was hugging me I heard God say that he loves me and all the people of the world including Ruth. I said to God "Thank you God for relieving Ruthie of her illness and for helping me on the way." Ruth is safe in Heaven with You" I cried out. Even though I didn't want Ruth to go away I said "Yes Jesus I Love You"

                           I knew that this would change my whole life forever!!