|Guest blogger: Lydia Joy|
My 3rd born!!!
I see her picture on the mantel of the Baby Center. It gets tears in my eyes. I always want that to be a lie. That when I go in the room she will be there. That I will grab her and hug her. Then she will play with me and I can just be with her, but that's just a dream. I will never see her until I go home (Heaven). Sometimes I just want to go right now with her. I want to see her adorable, cute face just one more time.
|Ruthie enjoying some uji at the Baby Centre|
(Uji is ground millet, sweetened and used as a breakfast cereal)
Seeing her picture or talking about her brings me back to that day in the hospital when she was laying in the ICU. She couldn't move or even do anything. I cried out to The Lord to heal her body and to make her normal again. One morning she started squeezing Hannah's finger and I thought that she was getting better. Soon she was to have surgery on her intestines. At about 2:00 she had it.
|Her sweet smile with her two little bottom teeth makes my heart ache|
and I wish I could hold her again
|This is a picture of Ruthie in the ICU|
Even though she looks lifeless and it hurts my heart to see her this way
I still think she is beyond cute even with all that medical stuff on her.
Later on, I sat at the table playing with my food. My dad was there and I asked him, "Dad, why does God take away the ones we love?" He paused for a while and said it is God's plan to give and take away. I still didn't believe that he should take ones we love and care about. That reminded me of a song " He Gives and Takes Away." It still didn't make sense. I hated death. It is terrible. I wanted to scream to God and yell at him for doing this to me and my family and everyone who knew Ruth, but then I stopped and prayed and asked to go and see Ruth. Hannah took me up. I held Ruthie's hand and cried. "WHY? WHY?" I said. God cannot do this. I love her. I felt like I was being ambushed with sharp knives and spears. I was going into a dark cave with scraps and tears rolling down my eyes. I asked God if this was a good idea to enter into the dark cave. He said "Trust Me" and so I did and I stepped into that cave. That changed my life.
I was in class and Hannah came to get me for some reason. I went and Hannah said that they might take Ruth off the breathing machine that kept Ruthie alive. We went into the ICU hand in hand. And mom said it was time for her to go home, to heaven. I screamed and said NO! You can't take her away! I burst out in tears. I hugged my sweet, adorable, loving, little Ruthie. I wanted to stop Aunt Carol from doing it. Hannah took me outside the ICU with my dad and I cried the hardest I ever have in my whole life. I didn't feel God's love. I didn't feel like He loved me or Ruth. I was so angry and devastated. When we went home I ran to my room and slammed the door. I put my head in my pillow and cried and cried. I wanted to stay in my room for ever. My sweet mom came in and I hugged her tight. When my mom was hugging me I heard God say that he loves me and all the people of the world including Ruth. I said to God "Thank you God for relieving Ruthie of her illness and for helping me on the way." Ruth is safe in Heaven with You" I cried out. Even though I didn't want Ruth to go away I said "Yes Jesus I Love You"
I knew that this would change my whole life forever!!